The Grapes Of Wrath/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, I'm not a history buff -- in fact, I'm not any kind of buff, which is why I try to stay out of the buff. But I do like to take old things, figure out how they work and then make my own modern version. For example, this antique flintlock musket. I've made a modern version out of this piece of eavestrough downspout. See, my hammer is this tack hammer. And my triggering mechanism is this fishing reel. When I hit the release, the point of the hammer will slam down through the window and detonate my ammo. Okay, so what are we gonna use for ammo? Well, if you're fighting the enemy and you wanna whip 'em, you wanna cream 'em, how about whipped cream? And of course you wanna jam that in there. Pack her down, just like davey crocket -- or betty crocket. And our projectile, we're gonna use an eggplant. Not really a bullet, but it'll go through you like one. Okay, let's see if we're ready. Yep. With any luck I'll hit a vegetarian. You know what they say... Don't shoot until you see the whites of their eggs. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thanks very much. Appreciate it. You know, our next door neighbour up here is a pain in the neck. Mind you, they could probably say the same thing. They got no fences and they grow all these grapes, which is fine, but they taste awful. There's nothing worse than stealing something that has no value. It's like hot wiring a k-car. Uncle red! I was just -- have you been stealing grapes again? Yeah, but I'm not enjoying them. I mean, they're real sour, harold. Well, they're not for eating. Those are wine grapes. So when something's not good enough to eat you drink it? Ontario grapes make some of the finest wine in the world. How come you know everything, harold? It's just an unconscious reaction to seeing what can happen when you're the exact opposite. Was that an insult? Not if you have to ask, no. [ applause and laughter ] okay, so, you're saying even if these grapes taste like an armpit they make great wine? Yeah, things in life are often much different than they appear. That's gotta be good news for you. So I'm thinking we could make our own wine. By stealing the neighbours' grapes? It's not stealing if the grapes are on our property, harold. They've got no fence and a lot of the vines are over the lot line -- or at least they will be once I tug on 'em a little. You don't know anything about making wine! I don't base my life on knowledge, harold. I base it on courage and cunning. And socialized medicine. You know what, I'll make the wine without you. And that's sour grapes. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon from mr. Guido's barbershop and craft emporium. "you'll love our homemade mittens "made entirely from nose hair! "come on in and pick yours today." okay, glen, cover your ears. Okay, red, you have 30 seconds to get glen braxton to say this word... And... Go! Okay, glen, this is something people do for most of their lives. Age. No, no, other than sleep, people do this a lot. Nap. No, okay, you finish your breakfast, you say, see you later, honey, I'm going to... Lie down. No, I mean, like, to have money to put food on the table you go to... The wife's purse. Okay, glen, if you were, say, a mechanic or a carpenter, you'd make sure you had a something bench. Comfortable. No, this is something happy people do. Whistle while you... Red, uh, almost outta time. Yeah. Okay. Okay, glen, you're retired now, but what did you used to do every week, Monday to Friday? Phone in sick. No, no, glen, you're not thinking about this. This is a word for job, where you go in every day, put in your time, and at the end of the week you get paid. I heard about this, red. I could just never make it work for me. There we go! Where has all the fun gone? Where has all the joy gone? Right here at harold's hobby house! [ cheers and applause ] and joining me today at harold's hobby house is mr. Dalton humphrey of the humphrey's everything store. And we call it that because that store has everything. Well, not everything, but it certainly has a lot. So, dalton, why don't you tell us about your hobby? Well, you know, harold, it's something I've been doing for many years. Coin collecting. Ah! This is fascinating. Now, in these containers are coins I've collected. Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, loonies, toonies. It's a complete set. Well, I can certainly see that. Now, which is the most valuable coin you have? The toonies! Those are worth two bucks. But I'm always on the lookout for what's valuable. Now, harold, for example, do you have any coins in your pocket right now? Why yes, I do. Aha! Aha! Great. Great. 37 cents! Okay, this is great because now I can show you how this coin collection really works. Okay, this is good. Okay, all right, we just simply divide them into the denominations and place them... In the correct jars. [ applause ] now, in this way, I have increased the value of this collection by 37 cents! 37 cents. Very good. You know, there are lots of things that men enjoy, but the two main ones are boats and beds. Unfortunately, we're often disappointed in our boats. There's no disappointment in bed -- at least not for me. I can sleep anywhere at any time, which should explain what happened to this boat. But rather than dwell on the negative aspects of property damage and pending legal action, instead I'm gonna do a project that combines two of my favourite things. Men like doing stuff like that, taking two enjoyable activities and combining them. Like french fries and gravy or beer and football or beer and women wrestling. Okay, that's three. Anyway, I'm gonna join up a bed and a boat and make a bed boat. Or a boat bed. I'll decide what to call it later. Now, the first step in making your own boat bed is to get yourself a bed frame. I prefer the wooden boats. More character, more history, and they can survive the biggest ocean swells. I bet this baby has seen some dandy swells. You wanna use air mattresses for this job. Regular mattresses don't work too well when they're wet. Just ask harold. Now with the help of the handyman's secret weapon, the bed frame becomes your boat's keel, and the mattresses become your hull. And there's your boat bed -- or bunk boat. I'll worry about what to call it later. This design was originated by a european boat building company. Winken, blinken and nod. I adapted her a little, you know, with the air mattress technology. And I hacked up a garden hose, connected them together so I can blow up all the air mattresses at once. I mean, the bad news is that I wrecked the garden hose, but hey, I hate gardening. Okay, let's blow up our bunk boat, or our water bed or water-borne bed. I'll figure out what to call it later. Okay, that was a bit of a logic test there. When you look at the size of all those air mattresses and then measure that against my lung capacity, that was just a lack of consciousness waiting to happen. Never send a man on a machine's job. Okay, we're good to go here. See the way this mattress goes right around the motor? Kinda makes it like an inboard. Pure class. Oh, and you might wanna go with a small prop on the motor too; otherwise, you're gonna be putting notches into the bedpost, and if you're a married guy, that's dangerous. So let's go cruisin' in our boat bed -- or bed -- okay, I don't know what I'm gonna call it. But I do know, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ motor rumbling ] [ motor sputtering ] okay, you may not wanna put a mattress, you know, that close to the prop. And don't link all the mattresses together to inflate because they're still linked together to deflate. Okay, I think I may have a name for this thing, but I'm gonna wait until the camera's not running. [ foghorn blasts ] the other day my wife sent me out to buy a new shower curtain. But when I got home she told me it was all wrong. How could a shower curtain be all wrong? Okay, if I brought home a gas powered weed whacker that would be -- it's like the time I bought the wrong paper clips, the wrong tea cozy, or the wrong thyroid medic -- okay, that one... Okay, that was a mistake. But you see where I'm going here. And later I realised it's all about expectations. Women actually have them. Women have been planning the exact look and colour scheme of their lives since they were kids. There are plans in their heads that are more detailed than those space flight simulators nasa uses. Women spend hours on their buying decisions. Men don't plan; they haggle. If that shower curtain is 5% off, because it's got paint splatters on it and it's made of asbestos, that's our new shower curtain. Anyway, my wife returned the "all-wrong" curtain and got the completely perfect one. And yes, it is slightly bluer. Oh, sure, I could sit around and complain that my wife is picky, but the way I see it, she's already settled for a pretty big ticket item that doesn't look anything like what she had in mind. Remember, I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together. [ grunting ] okay, we've got the grapes all stomped. I knew we'd use that bathtub for something eventually. I tell you, it's gonna be a great year for wine, in terms of quantity. Yeah, we made 1,000 gallons. Well, there's 50 of us. And if it's any good, well, we'll make more. Uncle red! Uncle red! Look, look. I found this book about wine making. You know, I thought maybe you might wanna take a look at it or perhaps read it or have someone read it to you. Harold, there are two kinds of people. The kind that make things happen, and the kind that read about things that happen. Yes, in tomorrow's newspaper. So to avoid yet another embarrassment, it might behoove you to educate yourself a little. A lot of irritating things in that statement, harold, starting with the word "behoove." uncle red, do you know anything about bottling wine? I know you should put a cork in it, harold. I'm telling you, not just any idiot can make wine. Well, I'm gonna prove you wrong. [ laughter and applause ] harold, it's a simple process. You squash the grapes; you throw in some sugar, a little bit of yeast; you let it stand in a jug at room temperature with a cork in the top. What?! No! No! No! No, not a cork. Not a cork. It is a fermentation trap. Same diff. No, not same diff! Big diff! A fermentation trap allows the gasses to escape safely. We should make lodge members wear them. Just relax, harold, okay. It's not rocket science. Okay, maybe it is rocket science. Red: Never been exactly sure what repointing is. We were replacing the whole -- well, that's an inukshuk, I know that. It's actually more shook than inuk. And walter's tasting the mortar. How is it? Need salt? No, it's good. So we had built a ramp to bring the mortar up to the, uh -- up to the chimney. We had to replace the whole thing, liner and everything, and, uh, I was just knocking the old bricks down. I didn't see bill there. Maybe I should've looked. Sorry. Sorry. But bringing the unit up was pretty heavy, so I let walter do it on his own. And uh -- oh! Okay, maybe that's repointing, I dunno. Anyway, we get the bricks up there, and I'm still taking the old liner out and so forth. Bill's coming up the -- sorry, didn't see you there. Then the liner is these tubes -- unfortunately they got rolling, and suddenly you got super mario brothers. Pretty good -- oh, you made it to the next level. Now, bill had his trowel in his pants. Don't ask. And -- but it broke off. So he just grabs walter's trowel. Walter's not happy with that, so he tries to grab it back and the next thing you know he's covered in mortar, and bill finds that funny for a second. [ chuckles ] and I find that funny for a second. Well, it spirals downhill from there, and eventually right down the ramp. This is -- I don't recommend you try this at home -- or anybody's home really. He gets down, and he thought he could grab the -- but there's the cement and the water. Then we thought if we threw the skid it would break -- the brake stopped part of hit. So we come down to make sure walter's okay, and not only is he okay, he's -- where's he going? Hey, hey, wait a second! It should be our turn! [ applause ] there have been a lot of disturbing trends over the years, from four-cylinder cars to vegetarian pizza. But one of the worst has gotta be "one size fits all." anyone who believes that has never seen wrestling... Or wrestling fans. One size fits all is really the manufacturer saying, one size suits us. Even with ice cubes. They're too big for the sissy drinks, okay for your regular, but way too small to get the job done on a man-sized thirst or a wrestling-fan-sized thirst. See, the problem is the ice cube tray. The compartments are all standardized. One size fits all. That's why I don't use ice cube trays, not when I have another kind of tray that has plenty of different sized compartments. Can you say tackle box? [ chuckling ] now I have ice for any size drink or any size bruise. [ chuckling ] yeah, that's more like it. See, kids, you can look cool and be cool at the same time. Oh! Ow! Ow! Well, we're all set for the first tasting of our homemade wine. Threw in some charcoal briquettes and some possum lake water. Don't know if it's a "carbonnay" or "beaujolake." uncle red, I made you a surprise. Oh, what's that? I made you a sign. Oh, harold, I like that. And I used magnetic letters. That way we can reuse it when you go out of business. You know, harold, I think $2.50 a bottle is a little low. Well, let's wait till somebody tastes it. You wanted to see me, red? Oh, yeah, yeah, dalton, great. We need you to test our wine, because you're the only guy with medical insurance. Offer him a piece of cheese there, harold. Wine and cheese, very popular with our target demographic. You want me to sniff the cork there, red? Nah, it dissolved for some reason. Is this red or white wine? I dunno. Kind of a blue. You know, it looks a little cloudy. Yeah, it's supposed to clear up this afternoon. Is it good? Is it the cheese? That can't be good. No, no, wine tasters always spit out the wine. Not violently. Hey, red, look at this! The wine cleaned the glass. Here, harold, try it on your glasses. Take 'em off first! No, don't it in your eye! Okay! Holy man! This is amazing. You have a beard? [ laughter and applause ] you know what we need? A little marketing expertise. Just because we can't sell it as wine doesn't mean we can't sell it. I'm ahead of you, uncle red. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll be right down with the good news. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I'm hoping you're gonna be in a romantic mood for a romantic evening. You put out the candles, I'll supply the wine, and we'll clean all the mirrors in the bedroom. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Okay, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. All right, men, after careful consideration and one mouthful, we've decided to market our wine as window washer. So we'll have a lot fewer drunk drivers and they'll have clean windshields. 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